Moonlight Dwelling

Lazarus Rising

You're going to have to dig your way out when you've been dead for the past four months.

Leave a lighter with the dead body just in case he wakes up in the pine box.

Bury your loved one in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere just in case you get him back because you really don't want someone to see him coming out of his grave.

Wrap a shirt around your hand to break the window at the gas station.

Drink some water since coming back from Hell tends to make a person thirsty.

Stock up on much needed supplies and don't forget the porn along with raiding the cash register.

A painful head followed by attacking glass would be a sign to get gone.

The person you call probably won't believe it's you when you're supposed to be all dead and in Hell.

Hot wire the car so you can go see the person to prove that you're you.

Just to be safe throw holy water in his face just to make sure he's not a demon.

It's like a demon just yanked me out or rode me out. Dean

Call the cell phone company to have the GPS turned on to track the missing person down.

Nothing says pain like finding a bra in a motel room.

You were supposed to take care of her not douche her up. Dean

Toss the Ipod with the crappy music in the backseat.

Be careful when getting a tat so avoid getting a person's name unless it happens to be your name and the word forever since it probably won't be forever.

Go ahead and reach out and touch him when you have to some some seance touching so take advantage of the moment.

I like to think it's because of my perky nipples. Dean

So, go ahead. Send me back. But don't come crying to me when they show up on your front doorstep with some Vaseline and a fire hose. Dean

I'm gonna reach down your throat and rip out your lungs. Flo

Sometimes you just need to bitch slap the demon.

We're dealing with a bad mofo here one job at a time. Dean

Sometimes the only choice is to go with the bad idea.

Make your stand instead of getting caught with your pants down again.

Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes. Dean

Are You There, God? It's Me Dean Winchester

Look all I know is I was not groped by an angel. Dean

Try for a theory with a little less fairy dust.

Nothing says creeped out like getting singled out by the guy upstairs.

Make sure you're always ready to strap on your party hat.

You're gonna get me some pie. Dean

Make a shopping list so you don't forget something important like the pie.

Dude? Where's the pie? Dean

So, if you're not thinking of answers, don't think at all. Dean

Come on, Dean did your brain get french-fried in Hell? Meg

Nothing says awesome like building a panic room on your weekend off.

In the Beginning

It's rude to ask what a person's been dreaming about especially if you pop up in their room on the bed.

Some people get their freak on by watching other people sleep.

Cells don't exist in 1973.

You shouldn't go around giving away spoilers about the future.

No one likes a vague and cryptic angel.

Come on what are you allergic to straight answers or something you son of a bitch? Dean

Don't get the ugly van instead go with the pretty car.

Stop short of asking about cattle mutilation.

There's nothing wrong with being a mechanic.

No internet in 73 so snail mail is the only way of communicating since there's no email.

You mean like my husband's guts fertilizing the back forty? Beth

Some people find it hard to take a compliment.

When all else fails go with the massively, massively crazy route of telling the person that you're from the future.

Metamorphosis

Well aren't you an obedient little bitch. Dean

If something is so terrific you're not going to hide it.

When an angel and the dude upstairs doesn't want you using your demonic powers all is not good.

Don't forget to chew while you're eating since you might choke.

I've seen big weird, little weird, weird with crazy on top. Dean

Eating raw hamburger qualifies as weird.

He had a hell of a case of the munchies on top of that burger he forgot to cook. Dean

Long pig? And that is my word of the day. Dean

Sam loves research. He does. He keeps it underneath his mattress right next to his KY. It's a sickness. It is. Dean

We're not going kill him unless he does something to get killed for. Sam

Think diamonds to get off the hook to make up for vanishing last night instead of taking your injured wife to the hospital.

A person is bound to be sensitive when they can relate to the person turning into a monster when they have demon blood running through their veins.

When push comes you have to be prepared to shove if need be.

I've got demon blood in me Dean. This disease pumping through me and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean. I'm a whole new level of freak. Sam

Let's skip the whole you guys sound crazy shall we? Dean

Wait uh we're here to save you I guess. Dean

Use a coat hanger to get out of the locked closet.

Nothing says ironic like calling someone a psychopath when you have blood mouth.

It doesn't matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It's your choice. Sam

Monster Movie

Pennsylvania has sucky radio so don't even bother.

Use a little more gust when saying that there's a case.

Well we can't save the world okay not today but what we can do is chop off some vamps heads. Dean

Your brother being stuck in hell is no excuse to go see that new Raiders movie.

Go on and enjoy the giant pretzel.

I never forget a pretty everything. Dean

Murder is no joke no matter how strange.

We have a  lot of experience with strange. Dean

Just because a person's weird doesn't make them crazy.

I've been rehymenated. Brother I have been rehymenated. Dean

Remember that no self respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up on the first try so try again.

Drive away if the person you're with hears a wolf to avoid the potential of being ripped apart which would in no way be fun.

Have a big ass drink after seeing your boyfriend get ripped to shreds by a Wolfman.

Nothing brings on a headache like a case where cheesy monsters are the killers.

Holy mother of crap indeed when a mummy comes out of the sarcophagus

Instead of shooting run away from the mummy.

You're good here with the mummy and the crazy? Dean

Always carry mace to spray the crazy wannabe Dracula.

Nothing says eew like ripping of an ear.

There are just no words when Dracula drives away on a scooter.

It would be whole new buckets of crazy when the shapeshifter changes into different monster movie monsters.

Sometimes the person is just weird like playing the Casio in his underwear.

You know the dude's human when his ear doesn't come off when you tug at it.

You've been drugged when things start spinning around and you see multiple images of the glass.

I can't get over what a pumpkin pie eyed crazy son of a bitch you really are. Dean

Nothing says evil like electrocuting the good guy wearing lederhosen.

Continue to be of service and your life will be spared. Dracula

Always treat the pizza guy right.

Don't forget the coupon when getting your pizza.

If you can get the gun shoot the guy.

Hero gets the girl. Monster gets the gank. All in all happy ending with a happy ending no less. Dean

Yellow Fever

Run for your life when a puppy wearing a bow starts chasing you.

Make sure to stand back during an autopsy to avoid getting splattered since a body can get pretty ripe.

There are worse things than holding a heart like getting splattered with spleen juice.

Something is off when the cop makes you take off your shoes to go into his office.

Something is fishy when a guy keeps using hand sanitizer.

Don't laugh when someone mentions gamecocks after all they're majestic animals.

I don't like the looks of those teenagers down there. Let's walk this way. Dean

Beware of teens on bikes talking because they are just trouble.

Keep alert when you're at Reptile Boy's place since you never know what's crawling around loose.

Pez dispensers with those dead little eyes can be scary to some people.

Don't laugh when the guy includes himself as being one of the guys who got his butt cheeks taped.

Try to remain calm when the giant snake gets up close and personal that can also smell fear.

What? Safety's a crime now? Dean

Sam, I'm not gonna make a left hand turn into oncoming traffic. I'm not suicidal. Did I just say that? That's kind of weird. Dean

Am I haunted? Am I haunted? Dean

Something is very wrong when the pie is smelled and tossed aside.

Why me? Why not you? I mean, you got hit with the spleen juice. Dean

It's The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

The old lady might be stronger than she looks especially when candy's involved.

No sneaking into the candy.

Check the candy to make sure there aren't any razorblades.

If someone wanted to kill my husband, don't you think they'd find a better way than a razor in a piece of candy he might eat? Mrs Wallace

Enjoy the candy at Halloween.

This Luke Wallace he was so vanilla that he made vanilla seem spicy. Dean

When the party blows go out for a little TP fun.

Nothing turns a G-Rated assfest to R when someone gets boiled alive when bobbing for apples.

It isn't always about wicked bitch payback.

Leprechauns? Those little dudes are scary, small hands. Dean

Too much candy can lead to cramps and potentially hurling.

Yeah, well, if you were a 600 year old hag and you could pick any costume to come back in wouldn't you go for a hot cheerleader? I would. Dean

Nothing brings back memories like a student with a giant bong?

Watch out for creepy little trick or treaters looking for candy at a motel.

There's no need to mention the demon blood just shake the guy's hand.

Don't be a hammer so question a crap order.

You're gonna wipe out a whole town for one little witch? Sounds to me like you're compensating for something? Dean

Of course, there's nothing more dangerous than an a-hole who thinks he's on a holy mission. Dean

Don't give up on your stuff just because you met some bad apple angels.

Well, are you gonna find a way to find this witch. or are you just gonna sit there fingering your bone? Dean

Nothing says romantic like telling a girl her beauty is beyond time followed by snapping her neck and calling her a whore.

Sometimes all you have is giving it a shot.

Don't play with fire.

While it might sound cool to have a Halloween party at a cemetery it would be best not to unless you feel like getting killed.

Stand back while the lock's being shot off.

Bring it on Stinky. Dean

Zombie, ghost orgy huh? Well that's it I'm torching everybody. Dean

Angels may be dicks but they are powerful dicks with the ability to turn you to dust.

Wishful Thinking

Nothing says creepy like an invisible perv spying in the shower.

Stay away from the ice cream extreme.

Watch out for odd waiters wearing suspenders.

Don't leave all your money behind when paying the bill.

Follow the big footprints to see where they lead.

Or it's a bigfoot. You know and he's some kind a alcholo-porno-addict kind of like a deep woods Duchovny. Dean

Let the Teddy Bear Doctors in to help your grumpy Teddy Bear.

Wishing your Teddy Bear real can cause your teddy to be ouchie in the head sad.

It is a terrible world. Why am I here? Teddy

I don't want some flaming pissed off teddy on my hands. Dean

You're not supposed to tell when making a wish.

Always add a slash to make your point.

The coin's magical when the sledgehammer breaks.

If something occurs to you share instead of taking off.

Don't worry ma'am I'm with the health department. Sam

Maybe next time ask the perv that can make himself invisible to put on his pants before the lecture.

Don't wish for food in the working wishing well since it will turn really, really bad on you.

A Teddy Bear can't kill himself since he'll just end up with a hole in the back of his head when he shoots himself along with stuffing flying all over the place.

Nothing says snack like a roasted chicken.

Plus FBI. And on Thursdays, we're Teddy Bear Doctors. Dean

A real wish granting coin shouldn't be used no matter how tempting it is.

Bring out the guy to show him how crazy things get when people are allowed to go around making wishes.

Don't cross the street all invisible since you just might end up getting run over by a car which hurts.

Even the pretty people don't have it easy since they are just as miserable only better looking.

Yeah, people are people 'cause they're miserable bastards, 'cause they never really get what they really want. Dean

Right, yeah, you get what you want, you get crazy. Sam

Nothing says insanity like seeing a little boy flipping over a car.

Help the kid out when his super powers go so he won't be bullied again.

Melt down the wishing coin so it can't be used again.

Some things just can't be fixed with some sharing and caring.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Don't tell a shrink about being able to hear angels.

Go with the fake drunk pool scam.

Don't leave the money behind that you've won no matter who shows up.

Ooh great demon whisperer that's reliable. Dean

Nothing sucks like coming back from Hell to find out that your brother's BFF with a demon.

More than a thumbnail is needed so fill in a little detail.

That's just batty. Dean

If cars are in the driveway someone is probably home.

If you're scared and religious with demons on your ass you're going to go to church to feel safe.

So, they lock you up with a case of the crazies when really you were just tuning in to Angel Radio? Dean

You're 1-900-Angel. Dean

Chances are you won't recognize the demon when he's wearing the body of a pediatrician.

When all else fails go through the window.

Make with the details on the whole trusting a demon thing.

Who do I have to kill to get some french fries around here? Ruby

To start your training on how to use your psychic powers you need a little patience and sobriety.

When you're first learning to do something you're going to be a crappy student.

No one likes a laughing demon.

Sam? Too much information. Yeah, but now I feel dirty. Dean

Leave out the brain stabbing imagery when coming clean.

Just skip the nudity please. Dean

Okay, yes, so I'm possessing this maid for a hot minute. Sue me. Ruby

Don't leave the corpse too long because of the whole decomposing thing.

Nothing says awkward like having to admit that you owe a demon one.

Please tell me you're here to help. We've been having demon issues all day.

Can you really trust angels when all they want to do is kill people?

Heaven And Hell

Angels are heartless sons of bitches so there's no reasoning with them.

Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate. Dean

Some images just get seared into your brain.

Who was? The plumber? Huh? A little snake in the pipes? Dean

Dude you're confusing reality with porn again. Sam

Even if you're blind you can tell who it is by groping the pretty little ass.

Any chance I can dick over an angel, I'm taking it. Pamela

Demony I know but they're just plastic. Good for business, Makes me look extra psychic don't ya think? Pamela

So what you're just gonna take some divine bong hit and shazam you're Roma Downey. Dean 

Yes nerds can be buff.

Angels are killed if they don't have faith.

Nothing says amusing like having a demon and an angel in the backseat.

Participation trophies suck ass. Dean

Nothing revokes a membership like a demon protecting an angel.

Some people just like being a pain in the pooper.

Sorry I'm late with the demon delivery I was only being tortured. Ruby

Don't push the guy to talk about his time in Hell.

It wasn't for months, ya know. It was four months up here, but down there I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years. They, uh they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly I would be whole again like magic just so they could start in all over again. And Alastair at the end of every day every one he would come over, and he would make me an offer to take me off the rack if I put souls on if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The the things that I did to them. Dean

Family Remains

Everyone needs to sleep so stop running on fumes already.

Only a know it all would know about old houses having a dumb waiter.

Nothing says super disturbing like a doll head lying on the floor.

Another motel? Awesome, Dad. I hope this one has hooker sheets like the other one. Kate

Don't start chatting with the girl that came out of the wall.

When the soil's too acidic you can't grow beets.

Can I continue having a conversation with myself? Sue

Some people just don't believe the truth especially when it is not of the norm.

Make sure that your dog is the one by your bed.

I just got molested by Casper the pervy ghost that's what happened. Kate

What kind of ghost messes with a man's car?" Dean

Go inside when you spot the ghost outside.

Watch out for the backwoods hillbilly bitch.

When all else fails go with a bluff about having a gun.

It isn't a spirit when she can cross the line of salt.

Use a flashlight to scare away Psycho Nell.

Hide in the shed that has only one door when trying to keep safe from a hillbilly backwoods bitch.

Bad things happen even to good people.

A diary can be quite revealing.

Sometimes renting Juno isn't enough.

Oh gross so the daddy was the baby daddy too? Dean

So she's been locked in this house her whole life? Okay what then? She's been caged up like an animal, then she busts out and ganks dead old dad/granddad? Well can't say I blame her. Dean

When rope isn't handy use curtains.

Criss Angel Is A Douche Bag

No one likes a smart ass magician.

When you're being blinded by sterling silver you can't tell if the guy's wearing eyeliner.

The Table Of Death is one way to go out with a headline.

Just to be on the safe side say a little prayer when your buddy's about to try a potentially deadly trick.

The great ones never give away the how. Jay

Try the Executioner if you're trying to get yourself killed.

Make sure you find out what a person's name is instead of using the wrong one.

Be suspicious if someone gives you an address too quickly especially when they tell you to ask for Chief.

Even Magic Town needs help.

A person can't do anything when they don't know squat.

Magicians can spot con artists since they con people for a living.

Don't forget the rings and doves and rings when putting together a magic act.

Being so engrossed in looking at yourself in the mirror can be deadly to your health.

Man I hope I die before I get old. Dean

Sam it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Dean

Well the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. The evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen. Dean

Even a sixty year old can slip you if he happens to be a magician.

When something's not right just tie the guy up when he doesn't try any hoodoo.

A magician will be able to slip out of the ropes.

Before leaving the room check the closet since he might be hiding inside instead of leaving.

A douche bag doesn't deserve to die.

Magic is a lot like crack because once you get a taste you never know what you'll end up doing for your next fix.

When you've been on the road your whole life you bring everything you own with you.

After School Special

Don't go to the rodeo unless you want to be called a slut.

Do you really want fair weather friends that turn on you at the drop of a hat?

You really shouldn't be nasty to the one person that was trying to be nice to you.

Toilet bowls may not kill but shoving a person's head in one will.

It always sucks being the new kid.

Bullies really suck.

Don't forget to wear the sweatband with your gym shorts.

Remember to dodge when someone throws the ball.

The whistle makes me their god. Dean

Stay for lunch when it's Sloppy Joe Day.

Don't be a stupid brain dead dick since it could be hazardous to your hand.

Apparently shoving a kid's arm into a Cuisinart is not a healthy display of angel. Dean

Animals are a lot nicer than people.

Better to be normal than a freak.

Those in the dark about things that go bump in the night aren't going to know that werewolves are real.

There are some decisions that you should make for yourself like what you want to do with your life.

Go for the booze after getting stabbed with a pair of scissors.

Using the F word can lead to an ass whupping so beware bullies.

Don't keep a part of your angry kid around to avoid the spirit coming back to cause some trouble.

A bus driver shouldn't look like a serial killer even if his name is Eddie.

Use a board with nails to stop the bus in its tracks.

When all else fails go with 21 Jumpstreet and busting the person for selling pot.

Bullies might have a skewed version of the past.

He's giving you the full cowgirl. Dean

Studying is a lame excuse when you were caught in a lip lock with another girl.

I'm not mad Dean. I thought maybe underneath your whole I could give a crap bad boy thing that there was something more going on. I mean like the way you are with your brother but I was wrong. You spend so much time trying to convince people that you're coll but it's just an act. We both know that you're just a sad, lonely little kid and I feel sorry for you. Amanda

Sex And Violence

A meat tenderizer not only pulverizes meat it also makes a pretty good murder weapon.

The morning after is rough after a fun night.

You can really love someone and still kinda want to bash their head in.

Everyone has a sad story.

Live life like there's no tomorrow.

Lips can be very distracting so it can be a problem when you're thinking of kissing them.

Stay outside to avoid tipping off the one you're following.

Sometimes the answer is crazy on toast.

Even sirens get bored.

Enjoy a soda before driving off.

Death Takes A Holiday

Something weird is going on when the guy that was shot doesn't bleed.

And he's not a donut? Dean

When in doubt head to the cemetery.

When all else fails become ghosts.

So let's be clear you want rip your souls out of your bodies and take a little stroll through the spirit world. Do you have any idea have heavy duty insane that is? Pamela

I'm so feeling up Demi Moore. Dean

I saw we hit Victoria Secret and get our peep on. Dean

Spooking around your home just makes it harder for your loved ones.

It's hard to get it up when you're not wearing your meat huh? Alistair

Trust your instincts Dean. There's no such thing as miracles. Tessa

I know what you did to that demon, Sam. I can feel what's inside of you. If you think you have good intentions, think again. Pamela

On The Head Of A Pin

A demon that has a blackbelt in torture might require one of his students to get any answers out of him.

If you're going to go out for revelation pick up some donuts while you're out..

You guys don't walk enough you'll get flabby. Dean

You'll spill your guts one way or the other. I just didn't want to ruin my shoes. Dean

When all else fails have your demon track down the angels. 

Maybe you're right but now it's my turn to carve. Dean 

Something got caught in my throat. I think it's my throat. Alistair 

Choosing your own course of action is confusing, terrifying. Anna

Try thinking for yourself for a change. 

It's A Terrible Life

If you're wearing a tie throw it back over your shoulder when eating.

To get rid of the bloat combine lemon, cayenne and maple syrup.

You might come off as gay if you keep staring at the guy and saying he looks really familiar.

When in doubt turn it off and back on again.

Stock up on office supplies while at work when you're running low at home.

It is such a comfort knowing you have a wizard to save everyone including the dick from the apocalypse.

Do a person a public service when they over share.

Make sure to always backup stuff because the computer going frozen can make everything go poof which isn't good.

When all else fails try pleading with the computer to work.

Snap off the tines from the plastic fork and stick it in the side of the microwave if you plan on committing suicide by microwave.

As hard as it may be to believe there is something worse than stinky fish heated up in the microwave like Paul for instance.

Get the hell out of the bathroom where all the faucets turn on along with the soap dispensers without anyone actually turning them on.

Yes even a pencil can be deadly when you stab yourself in the neck.

It could be something not natural.

Give into the urge to check it out.

I don't believe in destiny. I do believe in dealing with what's right in front of us though. Dean

When in doubt do research. 

Set your cell phone to walkie talkie in case we get separated. Dean

How the hell are we going to find ancient DNA in a skyscraper? Sam

Start with the ghost's office when looking for ancient DNA.

When the elevator gets caught between two floors think twice about climbing out of the elevator when there's a ghost haunting the place.

Take some time to compose yourself after seeing a guy get split in half by an elevator and go clean up.

Take the stairs after all it's good for you and you probably won't get split in half using them unlike the elevator.

Details are everything. You don't want to go fighting without any health insurance. Dean

Kill the annoying ringing phone before quitting the crappy cubicle job.

Some people just aren't cut out to be stuck behind a desk all day.

Just to shake things up hmm just so you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in in monkey suits. Dean

Angel or not I will stab you in your face. Dean 

The Monster At The End Of This Book

Jump The Shark

Have a bed that doesn't have a space underneath where someone or thing can hide and grab you while you're sitting on it.

Always be prepared just in case you're walking into a trap.

Now I'm thinking Dad sex. Stop talking. Dean

Next time throw paper to avoid having to squeeze into a crawlspace.

Nobody just' says okay when they find out that monsters are real.

That law and order vibe can earn you a free beer.

He's a Winchester he's already cursed. Sam

The Rapture

It's rude to pop into a person's head uninvited.

Don't put your hand in boiling water.

Call ahead instead of just popping into the backseat while a person's driving.

Talk to Ginormo. Dean

Grab whatever happens to be handy when your friend ends up possessed by a demon.

Saying you're not crazy tends to not be believed.

When in doubt go with we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Have a plan when you know you're walking into a trap.

Your secret's out when you start snacking on demon blood in front of everyone and have fruit punch mouth. 

When The Levee Breaks

Congrats Sammy you just bought yourself a bench warmer seat to the apocalypse. Dean

Dying out is a real son of a bitch for both parties.

Don't be so quick to swear to complete and total obedience.

Sometimes you have to go with the lesser of two evils.

Tie the person up for their own safety when they're having fits.

I am on call in my car. On my way to murder the bitch. Dean

That is French for manipulating your ass ten ways from Sunday. Dean.

Lucifer Rising

I'm about to be pissed and leaving so start talking Chuckles. Dean

Think twice about swearing your obedience to angels.

Sometimes you have to go with torture to get answers.

Disemboweling nuns is nothing to joke about.

When bored try knocking stuff over.

You can take your peace and shove it up your lily white ass 'cause I'll take the pain, and the guilt, I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. Dean

There are things worth dying for.